Friday, March 28, 2008

Advice Column #15

Hey Bartender!

I'm an average guy, but nobody really likes me. It makes it hard for me to interact with people or go to parties (not that I'm invited very often). I don't want to look like one of those guys who tries too hard to be liked either. What can I do to be more popular without seeming even more desperate?

Grow a mustache. No matter how zany your mustache looks, it'll get people to talk to you. It's a conversation piece on your face. At first, it may seem that people are talking to you just because of the mustache, but soon you'll find that the mustache is just an excuse to begin a conversation with you- the rest is just you. It's not a gimmick really, because mustaches are all the rage these days, and grow naturally on dude's faces. Just don't become that dude with the zany hat, that guy isn't very fun.

Also, find a bar and become a regular. Go there on a regular basis, on the same nights, and get to know the bartenders and the other regulars. If you find that your pleasant attempts to start conversations with people are not returned, that the bartender can't tell the vodka from the gin, or that people aren't asking questions about your mustache, find another bar and start over. You want to find a community of people that you think you could be happy socializing with. There's no point to becoming popular in a bar full of jerks. Once you find a nice scene, attendance is mandatory (at least once a week). You could be nice, or demure, or whatever you are, but just keep going to the bar. As the other regulars get used to you, they'll grow to like you. Eventually someone will invite you to somewhere else, and by then, you can decide if you want to go or not. Remember- the trick to not becoming that desperate loser is actually not being a desperate loser. You can say no and you can pick your friends. You aren't a loser, and you don't have to worry about becoming a person you aren't. You just need to go have fun. People gravitate towards other people who are having fun, and people with mustaches. You can be you with a mustache, and you can have fun. Popularity, sorry to say, is an attendance award.

What should you drink with your new mustache in a bar where you are learning people's names (or giving them hilarious nicknames) and challenging them to games of billiards? Nothing better to cure social anxiety than a butterflies cocktail. The classic drink contains lemon juice, grenadine, applejack, and gin in equal portions of 1/4 ounce each. Tell your new favorite bartender to shake them well with ice and strain into a cocktail glass. Sure, it's simple, alluring, and tasty- but it creates a radiant air around you which whispers, this guy knows how to have fun. People will like you, you just have to like yourself first.

Somewhere along the line, some lady will become jealous of your mustache, and your circle of friends, and shout across the room- how can I get one of those. Tell the bartender to send her down a Clover club on your tab, and after her first sip, say "well, there's the 'stache at least.." Ok, maybe my jokes aren't funny. But this drink is also great, and egg drinks tend to leave white mustaches on the smooth faces of the ladies that drink them. The Clover Club is 1.5 oz gin, 4 dashes of grenadine, the juice of half a lemon, and the white of an egg. Shake these ingredients with some cracked ice and strain into a small wine glass. Just try to have some fun, popularity will follow.

No comments: