Friday, March 28, 2008

Advice Column #13

Hey Bartender!

I'm a normal girl who wants to sleep with another woman. My boyfriend feels that if I do, he should be allowed to sleep with another girl. How can I get him to understand that this is different; it's about self-discovery and not sex. I don't want him to use it as an excuse for cheating.

If you're in a relationship that defines sleeping with other people as cheating, that's what you're doing. Women are people too, even the ones you're going to use for supposedly meaningless sex. If you want to cheat on him with a girl, for whatever reason, realize that you're telling him that you want to share an intimate part of yourself with someone else, and that he might feel as threatened by that as you feel about his sleeping with another girl. If you really think that having sex with someone outside of your relationship isn't about sex, you're only trying to justify an affair. Come to terms with what you want to do here: you want to have an affair.

If you want to do it without him taking equal action, you could lie to him. I would call you a coward for that plan. Or you could offer him inclusion by asking him to participate. A three-some might not be as threatening to him as you're journey of self-discovery, and you could both be involved with the same other woman, and watch each other take part in it. Is it cheating if you're in the bed too?

Really, you need to move on from this relationship. Obviously he's probably going to have a hard time trusting you, and you want to sow your wild seeds more. That's fine. You want different things. You need to make a new years resolution to be honest with yourself about what you want and what you need. You need to be with someone, or a few someones, who want what you want. He should be with someone who doesn't think that their own dishonesty is an excuse for anything. You should be in relationships that make you feel good and fulfilled.

What should you drink? The Harvey Wallbanger. The drink was allegedly named after a surfer in California in the 1960's. The drink, a dressed up screwdriver, was invented by Donato "Duke" Antone, a legendary bartender who also is accredited with the first pour of the rusty nail. Harvey Wallbanger is served in a Collins glass, filled with an ounce of vodka, four ounces of orange juice, and half an ounce of galliano floated on top. The sixties were a great time of exploration, so here's a signature cocktail! Break up with him, go find yourself, just be honest about what you're doing and realize that you could hurt other people's feelings too. Happy New Year!

Hey Bartender!

I love my boyfriend, but he drinks icky dark beers and porters. I want, as a new years resolution, to make him more health conscious and get him to switch to light beers which aren't as fattening. I guess he's only drinking them to impress his guy friends, but I'm his girlfriend. My opinion should be more important to him, shouldn't it?

The sad truth is that you probably believe that he's drinking dark beer to impress someone, and that you think you can just exchange the dark malty porters for something light. Beer is beer, right? No!

Centuries of brewing have made great progress in the varying tastes of different beers. Your opinion should be important to him, but not if it's based in the land of make-believe and advertisements. Light beers don't taste the same. They aren't even in the same league as regular beers. The endless advertising you've seen about the macrobrew beers (Bud, Coors, Michelob, etc.) has brain washed you into thinking these beers are actually good for you, or actually beers. Macrobrews are made with the cheapest market grain, namely rice or corn, instead of actual brewing grains like barley, wheat, and oats.

Consider it this way: microbreweries who make those dark delicious beers are using real brewing grains to make them, and producing smaller batches with more attention to quality organic ingredients and sustainable business practices. Macro(big)breweries are making beer out of whatever is cheapest that day, which usually is the same material used to fatten up cattle. The proclaimed "light" and "better for you" beers are full of watered down cattle feed, and have a lower alcohol content. The craft brews are stronger, are made with ingredients that wouldn't disgust you, and are more likely to be nutritionally healthier for you. The healthiest beer you could drink from the larger breweries isn't even labeled light, it's Guinness. Guinness is like an anti-oxidant milkshake, with less than 4% abv, and a high iron content.

Your first new years resolution should be to learn a bit before you tell someone else to change their habits. If what you really want is a healthier boyfriend, target his sitting around all the time, or eating all those fried foods late at night because he's drunk. Go for walks to the bar, leave early to go home and make your heart rates surge. Eat less, exercise more. Drink well, and in moderation. You should learn to drink too, and not that crap you wanted him to drink, but some of his dark lovely beers. Try a rogue mocha porter from Oregon, a corsendonk brown or a grotten brown from Belgium, or young's double chocolate stout from England. Dark beer is wonderful, and in moderation, nothing is that bad for you.

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