Thursday, June 14, 2007

Ask the Bartender : Advice Column #1

This is a reprint of the Connect Statesboro Publication of my column. To see their site, go here.
Soon I'm trying to get this column into syndication, so if you know any editors who might want to pick it up, let me know. If you have questions you'd like to see in a future column, please leave them in comments. Thanks!

Dear Bartender:
I'm 30. I've been spending a lot of time with a girl who's ten years younger than me. She's beautiful, smart, talented and just a little bit random. I helped her get through a rough personal situation, and she's been a lot of fun for me, since I just got out of a long relationship. I want something more with this girl, but she says she just wants to "be her" and not date anybody. It's killing me - and what's especially killing me is that lately she's been spending a lot of time with a really scuzzy-looking guy who just happens to have similar taste to her in music. Should I just chalk this one up as a lost cause and try to move on?
And yes, this is a situation that's actually been driving me to pound back more Jaeger shots than usual these days.

Dear Jaegerator,

About the girl, It sounds like you're waiting to be told what you already know. She's not old enough to go to a bar with you legally, and probably won't enjoy a good cocktail for years to come. Chalk that one up to capricious youth. You both leaned on each other to get through some stories that were ending. She, the frivolous young thing, was meant to extend the good times of the long-term relationship, to remind you how you felt when you were happy with someone else, not to double the drinking comfort college kid shots time. She was a distraction. That scuzzy boy probably won't be serious enough for her in a few months; he's just a two-can Sam. Don't think about him. Take her advice first, be you. Take a break from the drama. People who don't pay rent for the space they inhabit in your heart should be evicted.

In a month, or a few weeks, when you're ready, you'll find yourself sitting at a long stretch of mahogany, oiled with old beer and a printed coaster in front of you. Take my advice then: stop drinking the Jaeger. Order yourself an old fashioned. Tell your bartender to think pre-prohibition old fashioned: just bourbon, a dash or two of bitters, a dash of simple syrup, and a hunk of ice. Take an orange peel and a lit match: squeeze the orange peel to send a little splash of flame over the top of the drink, run the warm peel around the edge of the glass, and drop it in. When a lady sits down who you think could have watched the same Saturday morning cartoons as you did, ask the bartender to send a drink down the bar to her. Order her a Pink Lady - it's an old sweet favorite. Wait for her to come over to you, enchanted.

For bonus points, ask her if she had a tree house when she was a little girl. Listen intently as she describes it to you. Next round, matching drinks, Bees Knees (Gin, honey, lemon).

Dear Bartender:

Should I get bangs? I know the eighties are over and back again, but I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Well, should I?

Get some bangs and drink some whiskey. Neat. Girls who have bangs and drink neat whiskey are more fun than everyone else.

Dear Bartender:

Two of my friends are getting married to each other. I introduced them a couple years ago (set them up on a blind date!) and we've stayed in touch, but they didn't invite me to their wedding. Most of our mutual friends were invited. I'm not sure if I should feel totally slighted or just slightly annoyed. I'm not a big fan of weddings, but I definitely would've appreciated the gesture of an invitation. How should I respond to this situation, and does this mean we're no longer friends?

Nixed from the Nuptials (Texas)

Dear Nixed,

It's odd that they didn't invite you, but weddings are such complicated social feasts that any number of things could have happened to keep the invitation out of your mailbox. They could have had a limited number of guests for instance, or thought you wouldn't have come, or a million other reasons. We don't need to figure them out, instead to decide how to act. First, congratulations on successfully setting up your friends and it lasting- a rare occasion indeed. Let us, on the announcement of their marriage, be happy for them. My advice to you, despite not being invited, is to send them a card and a ridiculously nice bottle of champagne. Let the card read, "I am delighted to have heard of your engagement. When I set you up on the blind date that led to you both finding happiness in each other, I could have only dreamed for this to happen. I value you both as friends, and wish I could be there to see the great ceremony. I hope that you can toast with this bottle of champagne at the reception. I miss you both, and wish you the best."

I imagine instead of a thank you card, you'll receive a weepy and smiling phone call from the bride, begging you to be there on the big day. Then, if you want to go, go. If you don't want to go, ask her to meet you for cocktails after the honeymoon. If she doesn't call, ask her to meet you for cocktails anyway. Sip a pair of Queen's Park Swizzles while she complains about all the things that went wrong in your absence.

1 comment:

Kate said...

hey! i had a tree house!