Tuesday, February 27, 2007

parapeteia

an amazing article about boobs like mine.

I got a new bikini top today.

I'm about to leave for Israel.. be back in a few weeks.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Birth Certificate #1 -

* I removed the image until I have time to photoshop blur some of the important information on it. check back soon.


Dear Aaron J----- N----, born on May 27th 1978,
Aaron, when I asked you for your ID, you said you had better things to do than get an ID made. You presented me with a social security card, a birth certificate, and some ID cards from various high paying jobs.
Aaron, when you went table to table shooshing the bar patrons, you didn't just piss them off, you cost me a lot of money as they left the bar. The quiet rule of the bar isn't for you to enforce, and was being followed. You were just drunk and being a jerk.
Your girlfriend's friends later claimed they don't like you. That's why I have your birth certificate, because they didn't feel like returning it to you.
Perhaps you should learn to tip better. Or at least write legibly on your receipt. I will consider holding your birth certificate at the bar, if you will consider that without it, you will have to take that time you didn't get an ID with, and get a new birth certificate, a rather consuming feat.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Fake ID confiscation # 2

Ah, the classic "no one knows what a delaware ID looks like, this should totally work" ploy.
Not in our bar, kiddo.

But he went without a fight. Just a simple, and sad, "Ok, I'll leave then."

I think it's interesting how most of the Fake ID's I see are organ donors. There's an odd altruism in their assumed identities.

Monday, February 5, 2007

Where I've been.



This was a rad map that I found on my friend Jarreau's myspace profile.. and now I have my own.

Saturday, February 3, 2007

Impersonating the Virgin Mary



Also, last night at the bar, a girl I'd never met named Hilary, who was really rad, took photo-booth style pics of my boyfriend impersonating the "Virgin" Mary. Also, there were photos of my mysterious friend Eric. You can check out more of her photos here. They're both better at posing for these things than I am. And both adorable.

Wasted Dude Wisdom


Last night there were many things going on at the castle.
It was an action-packed night of regulars, new people, and weird things being said.
The last call stumblers-in who ordered a round of delirium tremens which they never actually drank included a really drunk guy. He wanted to know my opinions on "the dirty south", tried to convince my friend Eric that it was a great idea to smoke a pen, and tried to make diagrams of his love for Edie Sedgwick. His diagrams, the few that remained when he left, falling over the porch wall, were the four to left. I expect more.
More interestingly, I was chattin with the amazing techkids who hang out drinkin good beers, and one of them works for my favorite magazine. Possibly, if he wasn't too drunk to remember the conversation, I'll end up interning there. All my dreams fulfilled. One night. Bam.

Friday, February 2, 2007

Advice Column

I think you should all know, I am now accepting requests for advice.

Why? Because I want to write a bitchin' "ask the bartender" or "ask rachel" kind of advice column. So I can share my knowledge, my skills, and my opinions on what you should do. Eventually, I'm aiming at getting it published somewhere.

So email me questions: anything on any topic.
rhyman (at) gmail.com
Or you can leave questions in the comments on this post.
I'll post some advice.

And soon... you'll be reading it in some well known publication. I promise.

Fake ID confiscation #1

As usual, Thursday found me pulling pints at the castle.
I ID'd some kids who came in, and had to confiscate this totally bad fake.
Poor girl, I'm sure she spent $130 here.
But I'm liable, and hell no.
My sympathy for the young does not extend to things that will cost me thousands of dollars and maybe my job too.






Things to consider about ID's:
-any hologram that says "authentic" isn't
-bar codes are straight at the top
-arizona IDs expire when you are in your sixties
-a "residrivers liscence" isn't real
-if your signature is in a bleeding ink, everyone can spot that it's not real.
-an eagle hologram would be strange, for a state made of deserts.
-it doesn't even look like anything close to a real arizona ID

But it's mine now. And yes, I'm starting a collection.